Slick Steve's Drunk-Bus Driver (NOT Drunk Bus-Driver) Stories

…Or You Could Give Me Your Number

slicksteve — Sun, 02 May 2010 17:17:28 +0000

For dinner I got a sub sandwich. I ate one half of it but was not too hungry and figured I would save the rest for later or just give it to a passenger once everyone was drunk enough to actually want to eat a sandwich from a stranger. At about 1 in the morning I decided that it was time to give away the sub lest it go bad. I got out of my seat and announced that I had half a sub if anyone wanted it. If everyone was sober the obvious response from everyone would be, “Oh thanks, but we’re good for right now.” But because of the magic of alcohol most of the people on the bus responded, “Yeah, I’ll take it- is it free?” I informed them that it was free and that my offer was not part of some money-making scheme. I gave the sub to this one good-looking girl who was sitting next to her good-looking friend.
When the girls got off the bus one of them tried to give me some money and I informed her that I could not accept it. She said, “Well, how ’bout a kiss on the cheek,” to which I responded, “or your phone number…”
She decided to go for this kiss on the cheek.
Later that night I found the wrapper from the sub wedged in one of the seats. At this point I am not really sure that I even want the number of some girl who has so little class that she just leaves trash on a bus.

Show Me a Little Bit More and I’ll Think About it…

slicksteve — Sun, 02 May 2010 17:08:54 +0000

Last night I was driving through the main street in Downtown later at night when everyone on the street was drunk. This is the street where people bang on the door to let them on the bus because they do not want to wait for the next bus at the bus stop. I was waiting at a stoplight when two guys and a girl came over to the door and indicated that they wanted to get on the bus. I looked over at them and shook my head to communicate that they were not getting on the bus. They did not seem to get the message so for the very first time (or maybe the second time) it took the microphone, turned on the outside speaker, and said, “No means no!” Well, when I put it like that it makes the guys feel like they are creeps if they ask again. Instead of leaving me alone and going to the next bus stop they two guys stood there and lifted their shirts up to show me some nipple. They rubbed their nipples as they stared at me suggestively. I took the microphone and announced, “As I said before, ‘No means no!’” and they eventually left. I think next time I will say, “If you show me a little bit more, I’ll think about it!”

Just a Little Out of Screaming Distance

slicksteve — Sun, 02 May 2010 16:59:32 +0000

At about 2:30 in the morning I was driving around and just about everyone on the bus was drunk. The route that I drive was recently altered due to construction so some of the passengers were confused about where we were going. One drunk guy near the front of the bus looked around and said, “Where are we going; where is he taking us.” I turned around and said, “Don’t worry, I’m just driving to this dark alley nearby. Its only a little bit out of screaming distance so there is no need to worry.” Several of the guys on the bus seemed to be amused by my comment and some of the girls probably thought it was creepy. Girls have to deal with enough creepy guys at bars so I felt kind of bad about being a creepy bus driver. One of the guys was really amused by the concept of ‘screaming distance’ and said, “That is my new favorite line; next time I’m at the bar I’m going to go up to some girl and be like, hey, want to come back to my place. It’s soundproof and out of screaming distance.”

“…And Then We All Got Naked With Eachother”

slicksteve — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 17:33:39 +0000

Last night when I was driving when a group of guys from a sports team, I wont way which one, got on the bus. They had all been drinking after their game and one kid started talking to me. He was telling me how they had to be initiated into the team and as part of that they had to drink a lot and then they all got naked. I thought that was a pretty gay thing to do but the kid sounded like he did not mind/kind of enjoyed it. So I said, “Oh, that sounds cool; so you all sort of got naked with each other and then cuddled and stuff,” and he responded, “Well, pretty much, but we weren’t totally naked, we just didn’t really have any pants on.” I told him that it must have been really fun to get naked with a bunch of other dudes and that I wished I had known about it.

Girls from Long Island- Revisited

slicksteve — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 17:26:03 +0000

In a previous post I wrote about girls from Long Island and how they are generally quite obnoxious. When a girl tells me that she is from New York or New Jersey it is generally an instant turn-off and no matter how attractive she is I lose interest in her.

Last night I happened to meet three different girls from Long Island and all of them turned out to be quite friendly, pleasant, and attractive. All three conversations started out with basic small talk and when I asked where they were from they said “New York.” I cringed a little bit and said, “OK,” but decided to go ahead and ask where in New York at the risk of finding out that they were Long Islanders. When they said they were from Long Island I cringed again and was forced to decide between stopping the conversation or pretending like their place of origin was not an instant deal breaker. Since I was on the bus I did not have much else to do besides talking to them so I decided to continue the conversations. During our conversations I addressed the stereotypes about girls from Long Island and they all acknowledged the negative traits associated with their hometown but said they tried to be nice people.

After meeting those three girls I am beginning to think that perhaps I should re-evaluate my strict policy regarding girls from New York.

Bus-scaping

slicksteve — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 17:17:27 +0000

Last night I was driving around and noticed there there was a houseplant that someone had abandoned in one of the parking lots after a sporting event. After I drove past it a couple times I thought it would be nice to rescue it and put it on my bus because the landscaping on the bus is somewhat sparse. I also thought that it would improve indoor air quality at least marginally. I finally stopped the bus and pointed out the plant to one of the passengers. I told him that it was unfortunate that someone just left the plant there and that I kind of wanted to bring it onto the bus. He volunteered to pick it up so I let him off the bus and he kindly brought back the plant.

The plant proved to be a very nice conversation piece for the rest of the night and I think it created a more welcoming environment on the bus. One kid said that I would probably get a lot of girls because of the fern and that the fern worked in mysterious ways; I told him that I could only hope that he was right. Unfortunately, he was wrong!

I was planning on bringing the plant into the office at the end of the night to give to the dispatchers. But it was about 5:00 AM when I finished and I forgot to take the plant of the bus and was too tired to go back to get it. So, at some point someone is going to walk onto the bus and be greeted by a nice house plant.

Another Milestone in My Bus-Driving Career

slicksteve — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 17:07:34 +0000

About a month ago a girl got on my bus with some of her friends and they all went to sit at the back of the bus. A few minutes into the ride one of the girls came up to the front of the bus under the pretense of wanting to know which bar she and her friends should go to. I knew that she was not just trying to find out where to go so I started talking to her and asking her about herself. At one point during our conversation she said, ” I have a lot of friends who go here so I’ll probably be around quite a bit,” I did not know quite how to respond so I just said, “Oh, well that’s cool,” but I knew that a girl would not say something like that if she had no interest in a guy. I continued talking to her until she and her friends got to their stop at which point I told her to have a good night.

Later on that night after she and her friends had gone out they just so happened to get onto my bus and sit in the back again. When we got to their final destination she and her friends came to the front of the bus to thank me and as her friends got off the bus the one girl said, “Maybe I should get your number so we can go out sometime.” I agreed that would be a good idea and we exchanged numbers.

Now, the big difference between this bus-chick and all the other ones is that when I invited her to go out with me she actually accepted my invitation. We went out on a Friday and had a really great time. We agreed to go out again but our schedules did not allow us to get together for about a month. I told her that I would give her a call when I got back from a trip and when I did call her she told me that she had a really great time with me but had started dating someone. Oh well, there are plenty of other girls on the bus!

Girls From Long Island

slicksteve — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 22:41:32 +0000

Last night I was driving and a group of four girls got on the bus. They had a sort of pushy attitude and said, “Does this bus go to McDonald’s; we want to go there.” I replied in the affirmative and because I heard a little bit of an accent from one of them and asked where they were from. One of the girls said, “We’re from Long Island,” she then proceeded to say the words ‘coffee’ and ‘toffee’ just so that I could hear her obnoxious accent. It was somewhat annoying so I said ‘Okay’ several times so that she would be quiet. Finally these girls sat down and the same girl who talked initially started heckling this other male passenger and saying that it looked like someone jizzed on his pants. She did not know this poor guy but kept on referring to him by the name, ‘hey fucker’ whenever she thought of some new insult to tell him. These girls kept on complaining about how long it was taking to get to McDonald’s and I assured them that I did not want them on my bus any longer than necessary. During the rest of the ride there were repeated complaints when I braked to stop at stoplights and turned so that I would stay on route. One of the girls said that they could get me french fries when we got to McDonald’s. I replied by saying that I was really in the mood for some french fries but what I would enjoy even more is if her friend would stop talking. There was silence for a moment but then the annoying girl just kept on talking. When she got of the bus she called me a ‘Fucking asshole’ and insulted me for driving buses.

No Spitting on the Bus

slicksteve — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 01:39:29 +0000

Just like many bus-driver stories start, a guy got on the bus and looked like he was pretty hammered. I asked him if he was going to puke on my bus and he responded in the negative…but I still thought he was pretty fucked up so I kept an eye on him.
As I was about to enter a traffic circle I was looking in my mirror and it looked like he was spitting on the floor. I stopped the bus and looked at him until I could see him in the act of spitting on the floor. I pulled the barking break, got out of my seat, and walked back to where he was sitting. I looked on the floor and saw the little puddle of spit that he created at which point I asked him to leave the bus. He got out of his seat and started apologizing for spitting on the floor. I thanked him and showed him to the door. His friend, on the other hand, started arguing with me and saying that I was an asshole for kicking them off the bus. He argued that there were no signs saying that you couldn’t spit on the bus- A bulletproof argument, I know! I continued to usher these two guys out of the bus and they were being a little bit slow. Other passengers were starting to get angry with them for holding up the bus and there was a jumble of phrases like, “Fuck you”,”Get off the bus asshole”, and “Shut up and get the fuck out of here”. The two guys finally got out the door and I quickly closed the door. As the door was closing drunk dude #1 decided to stick his hand back in to give me the finger…and his hand got caught in the door so I had to open it again. He finally got his hand out of the door and went on his way. But of course he shouted a few more profanities as he was walking in front of the bus. If my math is correct, I can add another two names to my long list of satisfied passengers!

Cross Dresser

slicksteve — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 03:08:05 +0000

Yesterday I was riding on one of the buses to get to another bus that I had to drive. When I got on the bus I sat in the front and started talking to the driver who I sort of know. I looked around and there were a couple of people sitting nearby, one of whom looked like an incredibly ugly girl all dressed up for a night out on the town, with heels and all. I asked the driver who we played in basketball that evening and he replied that he did not know. One of the passengers a couple of seats over from me (the ugly girl) overheard what I said and asked, ” Are you wondering who we played tonight,” I looked over and said, “Yes”. As I looked over I noticed copious amounts of chest-hair popping out of the top of this ‘girl’s’ dress; the ugly girl was in fact an ugly cross-dressing male. He told me who we played and I thanked him/her but did not say anything else because I was very uncomfortable. I was, however, slightly amused that he was comfortable enough in his dress to try to engage a stranger in conversation.